Word Count -15020
No, your eyes aren't deceiving you, my word count has actually shrunk by a small bit. I broke the rules, I went back and edited my sex scene. Waste of time really, it still kinda sucks, just not as bad as before. I finally found myself with some of that lovely quiet I was bitching about not having last night, and my mind went blank. I opened my document and instead of being able to get going, I actually began to feel slightly sick. Correct me if I am wrong - but should a writer feel like vomiting at the idea of working on a project? Somehow this is a puzzle piece that just doesn't seem to fit in this little landscape I have going here. Then I realized what it was - this is the same feeling that I have come to recognize as writers block.
Nice timing eh?
I'm not sure exactly what my problem is, disappointment that I am not further ahead in my word count? Fear that I don't have enough mental development to get me to 50k words? Maybe it is the rude review I got on FFnet last night informing me that I have no right to not like JKR's ridiculous post Deathly Hallows pairings - from someone using the last name Cullen for chrissake. I hate to break it to you hun, Bella Swan may have no right to have her own mind, but I certainly have a right to mine - now shut up and go watch something sparkle.
So here I am on a lovely Monday morning with six hours of uninterrupted silence stretching out ahead of me. And my first thought upon waking - (well, my first after 'I really need the bathroom' and 'Where the hell is my F.V. Cappuccino'). dread -that sickly writers block so bad that I want to vomit at the idea of opening that F-ing document.
I am back to where I was last Wednesday, hating my plot, hating my characters as they are being portrayed, hating the writing in general. Most of all, I am hating that my time to back up and try something else is fast running out.
I guess at the heart of it all, I don't want to give up on this one. I want to see it through to the great story I know this can be. I've worked miracles with much less. I just wish I could figure out what is holding me back, and even more, I wish I could figure out how to spring the trap door that will set me free. I feel a little bit like Rocky Balboa, faltering in his training, feeling tired and wanting to tell Mickey to go to hell - badly needing to be slapped around a bit.
I don't have a Mickey, but I sure as hell wish I did. Heh.
I know, however, that this is something I have to do alone. The only person who can do this is me. I need to put on those old sweats, drink my egg and hit the streets. Then, at the end of my run, I can raise my fists high in the air and dance. Even though there will be no one there to see when I cross that 50k finish line, I will know that I was victorious and that will be enough.
My goal for today, just to get moving, to at least get 1666 words in, to do what I said I would do several posts back. Take it slow and steady and enjoy the ride. NaNo only comes once a year, would be a shame to waste it.
So, I'm ready to go, I've got my sweats on (my old ratty nightgown), I've had my egg ( French Vanilla Cappuccino) and I am ready to run (After I post this to Google+)
Cue Rocky theme